


Hush, Hush. We Both Can't Fight It.

by Bokutiee



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Depression, Hospitals, Lust, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, More angst, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Tw: blood (kinda)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-09-11 20:15:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 12,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9013327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bokutiee/pseuds/Bokutiee
Summary: Viktor is mad with power and fame. He's keeping Yuuri captive for his own lustful needs and is an abusive boyfriend





	1. They meet

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone :) this is my first work, and I really suck at writing. Hope you find this not to be as bad as I make it sound... thank you :)

There he was, standing in the onsen, naked as a bull. “Yuuri! Starting today, I will be your coach!” Those were the words he heard. Was he hallucinating? Viktor Nikiforov, 5 time Grand Prix Final Champion, in his own home. “V-v-Viktor??” he stammered.

Yuuri was baffled. Why was Viktor in his home in Hasetsu? Why was he going to be his coach? And why was he so naked???? Yuuri was shocked. “Oh. Um. Why?” he sputtered. “I’ll tell you about it later, Yuuri. For now, why don’t you join me?” Viktor gestured at the hot water he was resting in. Yuuri was about to accept the request, when he remembered his piggish body, and suddenly refused. “N-n-no thank you, Viktor…” he said, his voice cracking at every syllable.

*a few days later*

“Yuuri! Come here!” Viktor said, patting the seat beside him. Yuuri reluctantly sat beside the glorious man, wondering whether or not to start some banter, or just stay quiet. “Ne, Yuuri. How about you and I get to know each other better?” Viktor said nonchalantly, breaking the awkward tension between them. “Oh, ok…” was the only response Yuuri could sputter out. Viktor looked at him with his head tilted to the side, like a puppy. Yuuri took a sip of his water, and was quiet. “So, do you have a girlfriend, Yuuri?” Viktor said. Yuuri spit his water out on the table. “Eh? What? Huh?” Yuuri stuttered. What’s with that question? Why does he want to know? Yuuri thought. “Um… no comment.” He said finally. “Ehhh? So does that mean you’re single?” Viktor said suddenly. Yuuri jumped up in confusion. “Yes, I am, but why d—“. “Realllyyyy??? I thought someone like you would have a girlfriend!! So if you’re single now, want me to help you?” Viktor said, an innocent look in his eyes. “Eh? What? Help me? How?” Yuuri asked. “I could be your boyfriend! J” Viktor said. His face inched closer and closer to Yuuri’s, almost brushing up against him. Viktor took Yuuri’s face and caressed it in a gentle, oh so gentle manner. “Eh? Eh? EHHHHHH?????” Yuuri screamed, jumping away from Viktor. He held his cheek, where Viktor’s hand had been. Yuuri was in disbelief. Viktor Nikiforov? His boyfriend? No way!!

“Um, Viktor… It’s too sudden, and um, I- I think we should, um…” Yuuri trailed. Viktor pulled Yuuri’s chin in close to his own face. “Yuuri. You can’t possibly be rejecting me, right?” Viktor said in a stern, firm voice. His eyes sparkled as Yuuri gulped audibly. “N-no… I-I was just, um, surprised. Things like ‘oh, why would he want someone like me’, or ‘I’m not good enough f—.” “Yuuri.” Viktor paused and kissed him on the cheek. “You are more than enough. I fell in love with you ever since I met you. I saw the potential you had, and the strong fire in your heart. I quit my career to come and coach you. You are the reason why I am here.” Viktor gently whispered in Yuuri’s ear. His arms were around Yuuri in a tight embrace. “Oh… ok. I accept. Thank you. I am in your care. (Yoroshkun onegaishimasu)."

Little did Yuuri know that all of this was a lie.


	2. The reason why

Viktor finds Yuuri curled up in the corner when he gets home. “Yuuri, what are you doing in the corner? Come here, babe.” He says with a sinister smile on his face, knowing well why Yuuri was in the corner. Yuuri reluctantly gets up and staggers toward Viktor, bruises on his legs and arms. Yuuri was suffering, but no one knew. No one knew what Viktor was really like. He was in disbelief when he found out too. Viktor was mad. Mad with power, fame, and lust.

*awkward flashback*

Yuuri was in a happy relationship with Viktor, almost 3 weeks. He had dropped the weight he needed, and was finally on the ice again. He was at home, when he heard Viktor come in through the door. “Welcome home!” Yuuri said lovingly, like a housewife. Viktor was silent. He has a glazed look in his eye. He staggered over to Yuuri, and put his hands on his shoulders. “V-Viktor, what’s wrong?” the poor boy said. Viktor didn’t answer. Yuuri didn’t like the look in Viktor’s eye. Viktor slinked behind Yuuri and hugged him. As they hugged, Viktor’s hands crept down, and into Yuuri’s shirt. “Viktor! What are you doing!?” Yuuri screamed. Viktor was silent. Yuuri struggled and tried to free himself of Viktor’s strong arms, but found it to be a futile attempt. The days of working out and eating less had made him extremely fatigued, and he had almost no strength left. Viktor rubbed the boy’s chest, tracing the defined muscles Yuuri had gained from his weight loss journey. “Yuuri, you’re getting too thin, don’t you think?” Viktor mumbled. “What? I thought you wanted me to lose the weight?” Yuuri said, trying to push him away. Viktor’s hands grazed against Yuuri’s nipples, and Yuuri gasped. Viktor held a menacing grin as he proceeded to tease the black haired boy’s nipples. Yuuri’s face twisted in pain and pleasure at the same time. He didn’t understand what was happening, and he sure didn’t like what was happening. Yuuri used all the strength he had left and finally pushed Viktor off of him. “Viktor!! What’s wrong with you?!” Yuuri yelled. He held his chest defensively, as though Viktor would do something again. Viktor has a crazed look on his face. “Yuuri. Yuuri, Yuuri, Yuuri. ARE YOU STUPID!? DID YOU REALLY THINK THAT I LOVE YOU??” Viktor suddenly screamed, lunging at Yuuri. “I was just using you. Have you seen the newspapers? The news websites? I’m all over them, all due to my relationship with you. Thank you Yuuri. You’ve given me the fame I wanted all this time. I’ve always been famous, but, but this kind of fame is different. I love it. IloveitIloveitILOVEITILOVEIT!!” he gushed. “What?? But you said—.” “Ha. It was a lie. How naïve can you be?”  
They were on the floor now, Viktor on top of Yuuri, holding his hands above his body. “Now that you’ve satisfied one of my desires, how about giving me more, Yuuri?” Viktor said, a lustful look in his eye. Yuuri didn’t know what was coming, but he didn’t like the feeling Viktor was giving him. He had used all his energy pushing Viktor off before, he couldn’t possibly do it now. He was so weak, just lying there.  
That is where it went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much guys!! I did NOT expect over 400 hits in one week!!! Thank you for the support, and if you have any questions or comments, just comment down below and I'll answer them as soon as possible :)   
> Again this is my first work, so sorry if it sucks ass lol


	3. I'm hungry for more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's so short my lovelies:) i was SOOPER busy with stuff and hospitals and shit like that... blah. Next chapter is even shorter cause I'm an ass lol... thank you for all your support guys :)

Viktor catches Yuuri as he staggers over to him, almost falling down a couple of times. Viktor smiled and chuckled gently. Yuuri was scared, and didn’t know what would happen, for Viktor was unpredictable and unstable. To Yuuri’s surprise, Viktor swept him up into a bridal position, and carried him over to the bed. “You must be tired Yuuri. You need to rest properly and eat well if you want all those wounds to heal.” He said in a tender voice. Yuuri was shocked. Viktor was acting quite nice today, and he wasn’t sure why. He still loved Viktor even though he did this, so he was worried about the platinum haired man. “Viktor? Are you ok? What’s going on?” he asked cautiously. Viktor turned around and said lovingly to Yuuri, “I decided that you needed a break from my cruel actions, so I’m giving you one day full of love and TLC.” Yuuri was astonished at the gesture, but decided not to complain.  
“Just for today, my love. You can sleep, eat, and dote on me all you want. Just ask me anything, ok?” Viktor said in a loving, caring way. Yuuri was still shocked, but he was hungry so he had asked Viktor to make him some food. “Anything for you my darling!” he said, rushing to the kitchen. “Well, at least it’s better than what he usually does to me” Yuuri said quietly, shuddering at the thought of being punished. He decided to sleep for a while, until Viktor was done.  
While Yuuri was in bed, Viktor was in the kitchen, making katsudon for his katsudon. As he made it, he had slipped a little something into the rice before bringing it to the boy.  
“Yuuri <3! I made you a katsudon!” He said oh-so-innocently. Yuuri sat up, confused. “Wow! Viktor, thank you! I can’t believe you (actually) did this for me.” Viktor watched very cautiously as Yuuri ate the katsudon, bite by bite. “Viktor, why are you watching me eat?” He asked, confused, but happy. “Oh you just look cute :)". He replied gently. Yuuri blushed. He was weak to compliments from Viktor. When Yuuri was done eating the special platter, Viktor took the plates and ran them over to the sink. As he turned the sink on, he heard a faint voice coming from the bedroom. “V-viktor… I-I- feel… ve…ry… di..zz…yyyy…” Viktor suddenly heard a crash and a thud. He grinned maliciously as he already knew what had happened. He walked over to where Yuuri was supposed to be.  
Yuuri was on the floor, fast asleep, and unaware that the Russian man was standing before him in a towering, scary manner.  
“Oh, Yuuri. How gullible are you? Letting yourself become so vulnerable towards me. Quite unacceptable, don’t you think?” Viktor purred. He held a belt in his left hand, and a rope in the other. “Let’s see how this plays out, shall we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it, and thanks for reading :)


	4. Fake is all that I am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter guys... things have been tough lately with the whole hospital situation I'm in and exams and stuff... I promise for a long chapter next week :) love y'all thanks for the support

When Yuuri came to, he couldn’t see a thing. He started to struggle a bit, but found it useless because his body was numb with biting cold air. He realized that his hands were bound, and he was laying down on the cold floor. He smelled a wet, moldy smell, and automatically knew; he was in a cellar.  
He wanted to scream and yell for help, but he had a cloth in his mouth, limiting his speech to a few small noises. He struggled more and more, but the more he tried, the more tired he became. He didn’t know what kind of situation he was in, and he wanted answers now. He was sure that this was Viktor’s doing, but he wasn’t 100% positive. The last thing he remembered was sitting in bed and going to sleep.  
Step  
Step  
Step  
Step  
Yuuri heard faint, small footsteps. By the way they heard, he judged that the person was getting closer. They were running. Quite fast, so he presumed they were in a hurry.  
Step  
Step  
Step  
He was scared. He didn’t know what to do or expect.  
He waited.  
Step  
Step  
Step  
Step  
The footsteps stopped.  
“Yuuri! There you are!”  
It was Viktor.  
Viktor had taken the blindfold and gag off of the poor boy and cradled him in his arms.  
“Yuuri, I was worried sick! Someone took you from me and tied you here. Unfortunately, they ran away when they saw me, and I didn’t get to see who it was. I’m so sorry! I couldn’t protect you.” Viktor said with a perfect, FAKE shaking voice.  
Yuuri was dumbfounded. Wasn’t Viktor the one who tied him up? Took him away? He was so confused. At least he knew it wasn’t Viktor, which relieved a small part of his heart.  
Viktor swept him up bridal style yet again, and carried him to his room at home. He treated Yuuri’s wounds with a loving and tender manner. Viktor truly loved Yuuri with all of his heart, and he believed it.  
But what Yuuri didn’t know was that Viktor loved power and fame way more than he did Yuuri


	5. The pain of memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: self harm, etc

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HERES YOUR PRESENT! SURPRISE!! ITS EARLY!! I hope you like this chapter because I fukin have writers block and can't write shit

Yuuri woke up in his bed. He glanced over at the clock beside him.

11:00 A.M.

He didn’t want to move. He knew Viktor was out, and he wouldn’t be back until nighttime. He calculated the amount of time he had on his own, and sighed. His legs were as heavy as lead, and his head was pounding louder than a busy nightclub during a rave. ‘So this is what it feels like to be able to breathe underwater, huh.’ He thought to himself. He was tired, and he wanted to feel like anything other than dirty, so he wanted to clean himself up.

He decided to take a shower.

While the shower was warming up, he noticed they were out of shampoo. He looked through the cabinets under the sink, but something other than shampoo caught his eye. Something… metal. Something… sharp.

It was a replacement blade for Viktor’s razor.

Yuuri looked at it and was curious. He had heard stories of people who harmed themselves to feel better. He read somewhere that it takes the pain of what you’re going through, and it makes it visible on the skin. He took the blade and inspected it closely.

“Well, I could give it a try I guess…” he mumbled to himself.

While he was showering, he always kept the blade in the corner of his eye, unsure of whether to do it or not. He was thinking, ‘is it really worth it to harm my body?’. But then

He remembered.

He remembered all the horrible things Viktor had done to him.

He remembered all the pain and suffering Viktor had given him.

He remembered the starvation and countless hours at the gym to lose weight, and Viktor making him gain it all back.

He remembered the assault.

He remembered all the bad times.

Then, he remembered the time before Viktor.

Yuuri was filled with sorrow and morbid thoughts.

Yuuri grabbed the razor blade, eyes full of tears. His tears mixing in with the water of the showerhead above, he brought the blade towards his wrist. Then he thought, ‘Won’t Viktor see it? Will he be mad?’ and he decided to do it on his thigh instead. He knew that Viktor never went past the pants when he was *ahem* “getting into it” with Yuuri, so his thighs would be covered.

SLICE

The first one came. And that first one, was like a rock thrown into an old, old floodgate. Everything had fallen apart, and everything broke loose at once.

Yuuri felt the sharp sting of the blade when he cut his thigh. “Heh, nothing I can’t handle. I’ve been hurt worse, right?”

SLICE, drip

“I deserve this, don’t I?”

SLICE, drip

“Why?”

SLICE, drip

SLICE, drip

“Why?”

SLICE, drip

SLICE, drip

SLICE, drip

“WHY!?”

SLICE, drip

SLICE, drip

SLICE, drip

SLICE, drip

SLICE, drip

“WHY!? WHY, WHY WHY!??”

SLICE, drip. Drip. Drip.

The tears streamed down his face as he cut every inch of his right thigh. The blood dripped down farther and farther, almost touching the bath floor before it was swept away by the water beads of the shower. When he pulled away from his deformed, now stinging thigh, he looked at it and marveled.

“This will do just fine.” He said satisfied. His mangled thigh was the representation of the hurt and sorrow he was going through.

He wanted to clean the wounds, but he decided not to. ‘I can get an infection for all I care.’  
He stopped the bleeding, and got out of the shower. He subtly hid the blade where he knew Viktor wouldn’t find it. He sighed, and felt like a weight was lifted off of his chest. He looked at his fogged phone screen, and it read “1:00 P.M.”  
“Shit, I was in the shower for 2 hours, Jesus… Guess I should wait for Viktor to come home. I don’t have anything better to do anyway…”


	6. Realization

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha I'm sorry there's abuse in this and there's a drunk Viktor

“Yuuri… Help me get to bed~~” Viktor chirped from the door. He was drunk, drunker than a homeless man with 20$ to blow. Yuuri looked at him, and sighed. He dragged his pudgy body over to Viktor’s and lifted him up. While he carried Viktor to the bed, Viktor was spouting nonsense, something about ice skating and how much he loved Yuuri.  
Yuuri sighed, and flopped Viktor on the bed, rougher than he meant to.  
“That hurt Yuuri…” Viktor mumbled  
“Eh! I’m sorry! I’m really sorry! I’m just tired!” Yuuri tried to explain, but Viktor was already on top of him, pinning him to the floor with a hard THUD.  
“Yuuri… You know what happens to bad, disobedient boys who hurt their caregivers?” he asked in a serious, monotone voice. Yuuri knew this voice well. He heard it every time something bad happened, and something bad was about to happen.  
“T-th-they get p-p-pun-ished…” Yuuri replied, stammering in fear of what Viktor will do to him.  
“Correct! Since you got it right, only 10 for tonight, ok?” Viktor said slyly. ’10 of what’ Yuuri thought.  
Yuuri hoped it was something good, but his small glimmer of hope was demolished when he saw Viktor loom over him with his leather belt in his hands.  
Viktor grabbed his tie and yanked it off. He wrapped it around Yuuri’s hands, and tied them to the bedpost.  
“Yuuri, I want you to count to ten. If you can make it to ten without stopping, I wont bother you for the rest of the night, ok?” Viktor said sweetly, almost as if it was a reward instead of a punishment.  
“O-ok…” Yuuri said. Easy enough, right?  
WRONG  
“On-AAUUUGGHHH!!!”  
Viktor whipped the belt onto Yuuri’s bare back. The brute force put behind the swing broke into Yuuri’s skin, causing him pain and agony.  
“Yuuri, you stopped your count… Start again from one.” Viktor breathed through his teeth.  
“O-one…” Yuuri choked out  
CRACK  
The leather broke his back as second time, causing Yuuri to wince yet again, but he didn’t stop his count.  
“Tw-two…”  
CRACK  
The leather met him a third time, this time it lashed on top of the other cuts. Yuuri cried in intense pain, but he couldn’t stop his count, for if he did, he would have way more cuts.  
“Thr-thr-three…”  
CRACK  
“F-fo-four…”  
CRACK  
“Fi-five…’  
CRACK  
“Six…”  
CRACK  
“S-sev-en…’  
CRACK  
“Ei-gh-ght…”  
CRACK  
“Good count, Yuuri. Now let’s try this…” Viktor grasped the opposite side of the belt now, meaning that he would hit Yuuri with the metal buckle.  
” N-n-nine…”  
CRACK  
“AAAAAAAGHH!!” Yuuri cried when the metal hit his bleeding, bruised skin. He couldn’t stop now that he was so close. So close to being free for the rest of the night. He whispered, ever so slightly, in the softest voice Viktor had heard,  
“Ten…”  
Viktor was taken aback from the small noise Yuuri made. He stared at him for a while as he writhed in pain on the bed before him. Viktor suddenly gasped. He looked at his hand, then Yuuri, and then his hand again. He dropped the belt, covered his mouth and whispered  
“What have I done?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! Please leave a kudos and a comment to help me improve on it


	7. Pain can be fatal, or it can be powerful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viktor has a breakdown :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for short chapter, I'm busy lately and have no time to write. This chapter has a lot of angst and crying and stuff so sorry. My poor bbys Viktor and Yuuri suffer too much haha #sorrynotsorry
> 
> Surprise surprise it's earlyyy

Viktor dropped to his knees and cried.  
He cried  
And he cried  
And he cried.  
His mind was broken. The pieces scattered in his head, trying to find one another to unite again, but failing due to the walls and mountains of disorders and diagnoses.  
Viktor looked up, and through is blurry, teary eyes, he saw one thing. The love of his life, the one person who understood him, Yuuri Katsuki, on the bed, in pain.  
Viktor’s heart shattered. He knew it was him who did it to Yuuri, but he couldn’t bring himself to look Yuuri in the eyes. Viktor slowly stood up, still weeping, and fumbled with the tie used to restrain Yuuri. Yuuri’s back was bruised and bloody, infection starting to kick in from being exposed to air too long. Yuuri huffed in pain, because he knew.  
He knew Viktor didn’t want this.  
He knew Viktor couldn’t control it.  
But it hurt.  
It hurt to be with him  
It hurt to be with the one he loved.  
Life was unfair.  
Everything was unfair.  
Why did God set them together, only for them to be broken apart by so many things?  
Yuuri got up from the bed, and decided to take another shower to possibly stop the infection from getting at his back.  
“Viktor, listen to me, ok? I’m going to take a shower. I’ll be back in a few minutes, so please get some rest.” Yuuri cooed.  
Viktor was staring at the floor with a pained look on his face, and nodded ever so slightly. He didn’t move, but just sat on the bed; staring as if there were some type of fun TV show on the floor.  
Yuuri walk-er-limped over to the bathroom where he stripped the remainder of his clothes off and hopped into the shower.  
The hot water beat against his battered skin like a thousand bee stings. He screamed in pain. His scream felt so good. All the feelings he had been holding back, all the words he wanted to say, all the things he wanted to do just came bursting out in a long, bloodcurdling scream.  
He screamed.  
He screamed and he screamed until he couldn’t scream anymore.  
After the agonizing shower, he shuffled back over to the bed, Viktor still looking at the floor.  
“I told you to get rest, so let’s go to sleep ok?” Yuuri said gently, almost as if whispering to a small child.  
Viktor mumbled something while wincing. He said it louder and louder until he was practically yelling, bursting into tears and sobbing.  
“I’m sorry, Yuuri! I’m so sorry! I- I couldn’t control myself! It- it felt like someone took over my body, and I couldn’t control it! It was so scary! I couldn’t think straight, or see properly. All I remember is when my vision cleared, I saw you on the bed writhing in pain, and I saw the belt. I was so scared of what I did to you. I’m sorry!” Viktor yelped helplessly, throwing himself into Yuuri’s open arms. His breathing hitched and he started to rapidly inhale. He seemed extremely sickly and tired.  
“Shh. Shh, it will be ok. You’re ok now. It’s all going to be ok. Just listen to my voice and calm down. Take deep breaths, and try to relax ok?” Yuuri coaxed Viktor to stop crying and calm down.  
“I just don’t know what’s going on anymore. One minute I’m fine, and the next minute I’m hurting the one I care for most. I can’t deal with this much longer, Yuuri. Please. Just let me die, it will be easier if I do.” Viktor sobbed messily.  
Yuuri took Viktor’s face and cupped it gently, caressing the side of his face like a rare jewel.  
“Vitya, I will NOT let you die, not on my watch. Do you understand?” Yuuri’s voice was stern and commanding.  
“Ok, love. I will try to get better, I promise. I love you, and thank you.” Viktor wiped away his tears and hugged Yuuri. They melted into an embrace and kissed. The kiss was hot and wet, just the way they liked it.  
“Goodnight, Vitya.”  
“Goodnight, моя любовь. I love you, дорогой.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise next chapter will be longer Kay?? Oh yeah there's Russian in this story so here's the translations  
> моя любовь - my love  
> дорогой - my dear  
> Haha yayyy


	8. The Decision was Made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri decides something that will determine his future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. This chapter is short and sucky cause I am kinda suffering from writers block, and I couldn't think if anything... TW: kind of a panic attack, thoughts of suicide etc.

Yuuri was at his breaking point. Viktor was mentally unstable, and he couldn’t take it anymore. He cut more and more, but eventually he couldn’t drown out the pain that Viktor was causing him.

‘I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep on pushing myself. I love him too much to leave him. That would break his heart and lead to his mentality to worsen. What should I do?’ Yuuri thought.

Now, Yuuri was a very patient and loving man, but he JUST couldn’t take it any longer. He was sick and tired of the gashes on his back, He was sick and tired of the bruises on his thighs. He was sick and tired of the cuts he made on his legs very day. He was sick. He was tired. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want any of this.

He wanted nothing more than to do one thing: to commit suicide.

Now he didn’t want to do it right away, oh no. That would leave Viktor suspicious and very upset. Now he had to do it slowly. Slowly. slowly.

He had it all planned out. He had mapped out every single little detail on what would go down 6 nights from now. He wanted to make those 6 nights the best that he could for Viktor, while also secluding himself very, very slowly.

Yuuri knew the risks and consequences, but he didn’t care. He simply wanted everything to be gone. The pain and the suffering. The happiness and the joy. He just wanted it to end.

Yuuri didn’t want to make people think he disappeared, so he started to write letters. Letters to all of the people who he assumed would probably (not) miss him.

He wrote.

He wrote and wrote until a total of 7 long letters were in the vicinity. He took the 7 letters and put them in separate envelopes, each with a neatly written name on it.

He knew what he was doing was wrong, but it felt so right.

Why was he the one feeling this pain? Why was he the one that Viktor chose to love and hate at the same time?

He didn’t know why, but he knew how. The memories came flooding back to him, piece by piece, one by one.

Yuuri remembered the first time that Viktor violated him. He remembered the cold, sticky hands of Viktor on his body and he shuddered. He felt disgusting that night, and he had rubbed his skin raw at the fear of his lingering touch. His hands were the ones who made him like this. His hands were the ones that violated and groped his pure body.

He thought he loved Viktor.

But…

He knew that deep in his heart.

He HATED Viktor.

He despised his very name. He despised his very being and every breath he took. He despised the way he talked and the way he moved. He despised the way he looked at him and he ABSOLUTELY hated the way he touched him.

Yuuri was broken and no one could every repair him.

Not Viktor. Not his parents, no one.

The sorrow filled Yuuri’s heart, knowing that he wasn’t loved, for he was only a toy.

He had cried his eyes out that night.

And there were still more tears on the way, for Viktor had walked into the room.

Yuuri had already hidden the letters, and he was curled in a ball in the corner.

“Yuuri, what are you doing in the corner again? Have you been crying?” Viktor asked.

Yuuri sniffled and slowly nodded. He got up and walked towards Viktor, but he hesitated.

Did he really want to be touched by this man again? Did he really want to feel an embrace and a kiss on his already tainted skin? Did he really want to be involved with this manipulator?

Yuuri sighed, and sat on the bed, near Viktor. He tried to hold it back

He tried as hard as he could.

It didn’t work,

Yuuri started to shake and his lips started to quiver. His hands vibrated rapidly, and his breaths became short and fast.

“Viktor, I can’t breathe.” He wheezed. He was now bent in half on the floor. He recalled the horrible nightmares Viktor had put him through, and it made him scared for his sake.

As Viktor neared him with panic, Yuuri suddenly busted “DON’T TOUCH ME! DON’T TOUCH ME, PLEASE!”

Viktor drew back, not knowing what to do, or how to handle the situation.

Yuuri’s mind was filled with horrible images of blood and death, and he could only hear the cracking of a belt or screams.

He screamed as loud as he could.

He suddenly couldn’t hear anymore, and his vision was getting blurry and black. He couldn’t see or hear anything.

Yuuri was on the floor with a desperate Viktor at his side, shaking him and praying he was alive.

That was the first time Viktor called an ambulance for Yuuri.

And it was horrible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll write out the letters one by one and each of them will be a chapter ok?????? And I'll give very good details about the hospital. IM SARRY FOR THIS CHAPTER ITS BADDD


	9. Surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a new chapter! I'm sorry if it's bad, I didn't have a lot of time to write it cause I am literally busy all week for the next 2 weeks. I'm trying my hardest to keep up with this!!

The hospital was one of the worst decisions Viktor had made. He dropped the phone after hanging up, brought his hands to his mouth and whispered,

“What have I done?”

He realized that the doctors would see.

They would see the bruises. They would see the lashes and whip marks that he had left on Yuuri’s body. They would see the hickeys and fist marks on his tainted skin. They would see everything.

E V E R Y T H I N G.

Viktor took a breath, and told himself to stay calm. Now, he was a very crafty man and an amazing actor, so he knew he could pull it off. 

Yuuri would most likely tell someone about it, but they would just think that he is being crazy.

“Heh…he...hehe…hehehehahahHaHHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Viktor started to laugh manically.

Of course! He would just have to put the blame on Yuuri’s “insanity”.

How ironic it was that the insane person would dub someone as insane.

Yuuri heard sirens and saw faint, blurry blue and red lights. They were coming from outside. Had Viktor called someone? He was still hazy, and still unaware of the situation. He decided to go back to sleep.

Yuuri woke up to the beeping of a machine. He felt multiple foreign sensations in his arm. They were needles and IVs.

And at his lap, sleeping soundly, was no one other than Viktor.

The man who caused him joy.

The man who caused him pain.

The man who made him happy.

The man who made him suffer.

He started to scream again. Viktor awoke in a flash, and tried to calm Yuuri down, Yuuri had only yelled in a hoarse, tired voice, “DON’T TOUCH ME! GET AWAY! GET AWAY! PLEASE, I’M BEGGING YOU! DON’T HURT ME!”

Nurses and doctors flooded into the room, and Viktor pretended to be shocked and hurt.

Yuuri was still screaming as the doctors were trying to calm him down.

Nothing would work.

“Yuuri, what’s wrong? You have to tell us what’s wrong!” The doctors yelled.

“STOP! GET AWAY FROM ME! DON’T MAKE ME FILTHY AGAIN!”

“Who made you filthy?”

“I CAN’T TELL YOU! I can’t tell you! I can’t…tell...you. I just…can’t tell...you…” Yuuri broke into tears. His voice was extremely hoarse from all the screaming he had done. He cried more and more, and the doctors didn’t know what to do.

They eventually gave him a sedative that calmed him down, and pulled Viktor out of the room to speak with him.

“Mr. Nikiforov, if I am correct, you have been living with Yuuri, right?”

“Yes. I have.” He said with a hint of worry in his voice.

“I have to ask you; do you know who is doing this to him?”

“I have no clue. He came home one night with a few bruises, and then the next night with more. He started to flinch away from touch, and he doesn’t like to go outside. I don’t know what’s going on with my boyfriend. Please, doctor, help him. I think he might have a mental disorder too. He isn’t eating as much as he used to, and I force him to eat at least something. He’s been crying nonstop for the past few days and I don’t want to see him suffer anymore. Please. Help him. Help us.” Viktor squeezed out, on the verge of fake tears.

“Ok Mr. Nikiforov. We’ll see what we can do.” The doctor sighed, tuned on his heels and left.

Hah, they bought it. I didn’t know it would be this easy. Viktor thought.

Back in the hospital room, Yuuri was beginning to wake up. No one else was in the room. He was alone. In the cold, damp darkness of a hospital room. He glanced at a wall clock. 1:07 A.M.  
He tried to go back to sleep, but he couldn’t. He lied in bed, and stared at the ceiling.

What now? What’s going to happen to me? What’s going to happen to Viktor. Do they know? Should I tell them?

Yuuri was conflicted. If he told them, they would probably think he was insane. He knew Viktor well, and he knew that Viktor wasn’t about to get caught, so he knew.

He knew that Viktor lied.

He knew that Viktor cunningly slipped his way through the hands of the cops.

He knew all too well how conniving he was.

Suddenly, he heard someone walk through the door.

“Hey pig. What happened?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GASP!! Who paid a visit to Yuuri? It's kind of obvious, but you'll see what happens in the next chapter  
> Side note: I PASSED MY ENTRANCE EXAM WOOHOO! Now if I pass the interview part I'm in!


	10. He knows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yurio shows up and all goes to hell haha sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry... but SURPRISE! its early. I had more time to write, so i wrote a chapter in advance, so here it is ya nasties.

Yuuri heard a familiar Russian voice fill the room. It was Yurio, the young blonde skater.

“The hospital called Yakov, who told me to come here. Why are you here in the first place?” Yurio demanded.

“Nothing happened. It’s just a few injuries, nothing major” Yuuri lied. His voice came out small and hoarse, like a child who was meeting a scary teacher for the first time.

Yurio’s expression softened from a rough and tough look, to a genuinely concerned look. He heard the hurt and trauma in Yuuri’s small, broken voice. He knew that something was wrong, and he wanted to know right away.

Yurio rushed to Yuuri’s side and in a gentle, calming voice, he asked “What’s wrong?”

Yuuri looked at him, eyes full of fear and hurt. 

“Who did this to you?” Yurio questioned

“I…I can’t tell you…” Yuuri choked on his words. Even though he was repeating them for the thousandth time, he still couldn’t say them with confidence. His head and his mouth screamed at him to yell Viktor’s name and spill every detail, but he kept it confined within him.

“Why not?” Yurio pushed on with the questioning.

There was a silence. 

“I said, why not?” Yurio said in a stricter tone.

Yuuri flinched, and Yurio noticed.

In the smallest voice he had ever heard, Yuuri said 3 words that meant more than Yurio would ever imagine,

“I’ll get punished.”

Yurio’s heart shattered when he heard the frail words. He might have been mean to Yuuri in the past, but it was all in good fun. He cared deeply for the Japanese skater, and he couldn’t bear to see him like this.

“Where is the man who did this to you?” Yurio soothingly whispered, a hand reaching out to comfortingly circle Yuuri’s back.

Yuuri pulled away from the hand and said 2 firm words,

“Please, don’t.”

And at that, Yurio lost it. He stormed out of the room and quickly found Viktor in the waiting room, sleeping like a child.

“Oi, Viktor. Wake up.” Yurio kicked him awake.

“Ara, Yurio! Nice to see you here. Did Yakov send you?” Viktor rubbed his eyes and yawned.

“Seriously? Katsudon is in the hospital, and you say that? What’s wrong with him anyway? What happened? Don’t you dare lie to me, Viktor. I can tell your lies from a mile away.” Yurio sneered. And this was the truth. He always knew when Viktor was lying, and Viktor knew it.

“Hah, guess I have no choice.” Viktor jeered at Yurio.

Yurio was shocked at how fast Viktor’s demeanor had changed. 

“I’ll tell you why Yuuri is in the hospital.” Viktor said, inching closer and closer to Yurio until he was up against a wall.

“V-Viktor, wha- “

“Oh, shut it, brat. Listen carefully `cause I’m going to give you the whole story now, ok?” Viktor snarled in a gravelly voice.

“I’m the one doing it, I’m not going to lie now. There’s no reason to lie to you. You don’t even care for Yuuri, so you’re probably glad he’s in the hospital.”

“That’s no- “

“Don’t lie to yourself. I’m the one beating him, and I’m the one who made him like this, and nothing is going to change, you hear me? You utter one word, and I’ll seriously end you.”

Viktor pushed away from Yurio, leaving him to slide slowly to the ground in complete shock.

Viktor was the one who hurt Katsudon? Why? That was the main question; Why? Didn’t Viktor love Yuuri? Didn’t Yuuri love Viktor? Wasn’t it supposed to be happy?

Yurio let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He took a moment to process everything, and he knew what he had to do. 

Yurio got up and ran to Yuuri’s hospital room, where he found Yuuri still awake, but now crying.

“Hey Katsudon.”

Yuuri looked up with somber eyes, his hands trembling and his lip quivering.

“I know.”

Yuuri froze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yurio plz save my bby... Oh no whats gonna happen next????? find out next time!


	11. The drop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He did it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance cause I kinda have a small writers block. Sorry if it's bad haha  
> Tw: suicide

Yurio walked closer and closer to the hospital bed until he was merely inches away from Yuuri.

“I said, I know.” He said in a firm, non-threatening tone.

“Wh-What do you mean, ‘I know’?” Yuuri choked out. Did Yurio actually know what was going on? Did Viktor tell him? Or did he lie?

“I know the truth. Viktor told me everything, and I don’t think he was lying. Is it true, that he’s beating you and violating you?” Yurio questions ever so gently.

Yuuri stared at Yurio. He was frozen in fear, not because Yurio knew, but because Viktor was standing behind him.

“Oi, brat. I thought I told you not to utter a word. I think I have to make myself clear.”

Yurio stiffened. He started to turn around to face Viktor, but as he did, Viktor grabbed him by the neck, and lifted him in the air.

“I thought I said I would fucking end you if you told anyone. Why did you tell, Yurio? I didn’t want to do this. I can’t have anyone knowing about my secret.” Viktor said in a menacing tone.

Yurio grasped Viktor’s hands, trying to free himself, but it was a futile attempt. Choking for air, he flailed around, trying to kick Viktor. As he was struggling, he managed to sputter out 2 words,

“Katsudon…H-help!”

Yuuri was still in fear of Viktor, but he knew that if he didn’t do anything, the blonde skater would die of suffocation, and it would be his fault.

“H-h-help! Help! Someone! Somebody help!” Yuuri yelled, quietly at first, but after the dire situation dawned on him, he started to scream it louder.

“HELP! SOMEONE HELP! SOMEONE IS CHOKING!” Yuuri ran out of his hospital bed, wincing in pain, and running into the hallway.

Viktor immediately realized the situation, and let go of Yurio. Unfortunately, he was a second too late, and a doctor saw what he was doing.

“LET THAT CHILD GO!” the doctor yelled.

Yurio dropped to the floor with a loud THUD. He was curled up on the floor, gasping for air. His hands were wrapped around his neck, trying to help the pain that bloomed from his newly bruised body part.

The doctor quickly ran into the room, more doctors following him. He jumped onto Viktor, restraining him. Viktor struggled a bit, but he realized it was all over. They saw him commit an act of violence, against a teenager nonetheless. The other doctors tended to Yuuri and Yurio, calming Yuuri down from his fit, and trying to help Yurio stand up.

“What do you think you are doing? He could have died from a lack of oxygen! Look Mr. Nikiforov, this event will not go unpunished. This teenager might as well press charges if he pleases. Now, you have a lot of explaining to do.” The doctor said in a stern tone.

The doctor dragged Viktor out of the room and told his colleagues to get Yurio a room. He told Yuuri not to worry about anything, and that he did the right thing. Yuuri was still worried beyond his mind, and he started to panic. This was all his fault. Yurio got hurt because of Viktor. Viktor got caught because of him. It was all his fault.

It.

Was.

All.

His.

Fault.

Yuuri stood up with a blank face. He suddenly dashed out of the hospital room, making his way up to the roof of the hospital.

As he got to the roof access door, it was locked. He gathered all his strength and kicked the door down. He didn’t care.

He didn’t care anymore.

What would happen to Viktor?

He didn’t care anymore.

What would happen to Yurio?

He didn’t care anymore.

What would his family think of him after?

He didn’t care anymore.

He

Didn’t

Care

Any

More.

Yuuri ran to the edge of the hospital building, and grabbed the cold, metal railing.

“I should end it. I should end it all. There will be no more pain or suffering. Viktor will be happier without me, and Yurio will heal. He didn’t like me to begin with. I’m a failure to my family, and I never did anything substantial in my life. Hell, the closest I’ve been to a relationship was with Viktor, and look how it turned out.” He muttered under his breath. Yuuri had a habit of rambling to himself when he was nervous or anxious.

Yuuri hoisted himself up onto the railing, pulling one leg over, and then the other.

The only thing keeping him from falling was his grip on the railing.

His feet and body tasted the void of emptiness as he prepared himself to jump. He heard the commotion behind him, and wondered if they’d be able to stop him.

NO.

Nothing could possibly stop him now.

He was a failure.

He was a burden.

He was a mistake.

A toy.

An object.

A nothing.

He breathed in, and thought, ‘this will be my last breath’ and he savored the feeling of cold air in his lungs.

He let go of one hand, his body swinging in the air.

All his thoughts were jumbled and he doubted his decisions.

“Should I let go?”

The answer was undeniably yes.

And he did.

Yuuri dropped.

His last thoughts were,

‘I deserve this.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SOOOOO SORRY!!!! Will he live? Will he die? I don't even know cause I didn't write the next chapter cause I'm an ass. Leave your comments down below to manipulate the story!


	12. What happened?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I suck at summaries so just read it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *evil laughter*

Beep… beep… beep…

Yuuri awoke to the sound of a beeping heart monitor. He was back in his hospital bed, hooked up to a bunch of machines. He looked absolutely horrible. His hair was disheveled and greasy, his skin was pale and dull. His eyes had bags underneath them that were darker than night.

Yuuri tried to remember what had happened, and it all flooded to him at once.

He broke out in tears, starting quietly bit gradually getting louder and louder.

‘I-I was su-ppose-ed to b-be d-de-dead! Wh-Why am I st-still here?!’ Yuuri screamed in his head. He wanted to cry out, but his throat was too dry.

The blob of a person laying on his lap bolted up and started to cry. The mass rushed out of the room, crying “He’s awake! He’s awake!”

Yuuri continued to move his mouth as if he was screaming, only making sounds of choking and drowning. The doctors recognized it as a panic attack, and gave him a sedative. As his vision cleared, he was given a glass of water to drink. He looked around the room.

The mass had turned out to be his mother, and he could see a bunch of familiar faces in the room, full of tears of joy.

“Oh, Yuuri! I thought we lost you!” his mother grabbed his hands, tears in her eyes.

“Mom? Dad? Yuuko? Yurio? Phichit? Wh-what? Why are you here? Why am I here?” Yuuri cried.  
His eyes scanned the room once again, and landed on an all too familiar face.

Yuuri’s eyes are struck with fear, as he whimpered. He started to squeal, and it turned to loud screams

“WHY ARE YOU HERE? I THOUGHT I WOULD BE SAFE!”

“Yuuri…” Viktor started to go towards him, but Yuuri protested.

“GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU NUTCASE! DON’T TOUCH ME, PLEASE!”

“Yuuri, please, let me explain.”

“STOP! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT! GET AWAY FROM ME AND DON’T COME BACK! YOU’RE THE DEVIL!” Yuuri continued to scream,

Viktor sighed and stepped out of the room.

Yuuri turned to his mom and saw the pained look on her face.

“Yuuri, honey, are you ok? You’ve been in a coma for a year, and the first thing you do is scream at Viktor. I thought he would be the one person you didn’t want to yell at.” His mother was clearly worried.

‘So they don’t know the truth. How did Viktor get out of it this time?’ he thought.

Yurio stepped forward and asked everyone to leave the room for a bit, which made heads turn and faces shocked.

Once everyone was out of the room, he finally said something in a broken, raspy voice.

“They don’t know yet. I wanted to tell them when you were awake. Of course, I would tell them if you were dead, but you weren’t yet, and I still had hope. When do you want to tell them the truth?” He talked smoothly at first, but his voice became more and more hoarse with every word he spoke. After he said the last word, he was coughing and holding his throat.

“I don’t know.” Was all that Yuuri said.

Yurio looked at him like he had something to say, but continued to cough in a foreign voice. The damage that Viktor had inflicted on Yurio was permanent, and he had trouble talking for a long time.

Yuuri was still too afraid to confront Viktor, but after his outburst, he knew that his parents and friends were at least a little suspicious. He decided to tell them after he was out of the hospital.

After a while of silence, a doctor knocked on the door and walked in. She was holding a clipboard and had neat, gray hair. Yuuri thought that she reminded him of Viktor.

In a matter of seconds, Yuuri was on the floor, cowering before the doctor. Yurio motioned for her to leave the room and told her to get another doctor. She nodded with confusion, and left the room.

“Hey, it’s going to be ok. If you can’t tell them, I will. It’s important to tell them, but your health and safety are more important.” Yurio said. Then he suddenly realized what he was saying, blushed, and stood up quickly. “I-its not like I care too much about you. Don’t get used to it!” he blurted.

Yuuri managed a small chuckle. ‘Yurio is as tsundere as always, huh.’ He thought. He stood up, trembling, and he made his way back to the hospital bed.

The next doctor walked in, with neat cut hair, and classes perched upon her tall nose.

“So, Mr. Katsuki. You have a lot on your plate right now. May I speak to a family member or parent?” She asked.

“Yes, I’ll get them now.” Yurio peeped, and ran out of the room to find Yuuri’s mom,

When Yuuri’s mom walked in, Yuuri started to cry. What if they didn’t love him anymore? He was a disappointment, so why would they?

As the thoughts sunk in, he trembled harder, and cried in his hands. Yurio tried to comfort him, but it proved useless. The doctor was already out of the room with his mother, so he couldn’t interrupt.

Yurio called in Phichit and Yuuko to help him calm Yuuri down. Once he was a bit calmer, Yurio left the room.

As he left the room, he saw the doctor talking to Mrs. Katsuki. He had to listen to what they were saying, he just had to.

“—your son is sick. He’s beyond repair. He has PTSD, anxiety, depression, and he’s showing signs of insanity. We called Mr. Nikiforov like you asked, but he seems to be the cause of these bits of panic. Did anything happen with Mr. Nikiforov?” the doctor asked.

This is where Yurio stepped in. He couldn’t bear to hear anymore without butting in.

“Actually, yes. Something did happen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to let him live :) idk what'll happen in the future tho


	13. The truth comes out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. I'm still recovering from the incident that I mentioned previously, but I felt so bad making you guys wait so long for a new chapter. Plz don't hate me, but it's a little short and crappy. Hope you like it, and I have most of the story planned. I have 16 chapters written, and I plan for 20-25 chapters. Thank you for all the support, kudos, and comments. I get a kick out of all your comments, so please, feel free to leave me some constructive criticism, I kinda need it haha.

"Wh-what do you mean? That’s not possible! Why would he do that?” Yuuri’s mom said in tears.

“Well, it all fits. It dies explain most of the injuries and Yuuri’s mental state. The behavior towards Viktor pretty much confirmed it. We don’t have evidence other than the bruises unless he confesses himself. I’ll try to get it out of him.” The doctor said, putting a comforting hand on Yuuri’s mother’s shoulder.

Yurio tried to comfort her, but it was to no avail. She was shattered into pieces when she found out what was bothering her son. She would have never thought that it would be her son’s lover.

Yurio decided to go see Yuuri again. He wanted to tell him that he told at least a few people. To his surprise, Yuuri came running to him and pinned him to the wall.

“I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT IT! I WOULD TELL THEM WHEN I WAS READY! WHY DO YOU NEVER LISTEN?!” Yuuri was outraged. He didn’t care if the whole hospital heard him, he was furious. Now that his mother knew, he couldn’t hide it any longer.

Yurio was completely shocked. This was not the gentle Yuuri that he knew. This Yuuri was raging, with stern eyes and a serious expression.

“I-I told t-them because th-they deserved to know. Yeah, they deserved to know! They were going to give you back to Viktor if I didn’t tell them! Why can’t you understand that this is for your good?!” Yurio screamed back.

The realization dawned on Yuuri that him being separated from Viktor would NOT be the worst thing. He hated Viktor.

Yeah.

He.

HATED.

VIKTOR.

He started to laugh and cry at the same time.

How could he have been so stupid?

If he was separated, the hurt would stop.

The pain would stop.

The assault, the tears, all of them.

They would all end.

But a thought crossed his mind; what would happen to Viktor? Would he be jailed? Of course. Would he hate Yuuri? That was the one thing Yuuri didn’t want. He didn’t want the one person who genuinely loved him to hate him.

The cruel reality hit him and he slid to the floor in Yurio’s arms, sobbing.

“I can’t breathe, Yurio.” He gasped out.

Yurio panicked at ran to get a doctor, while Yuuri was suffering on the cold, hard floor of the hospital.

-time skip-

Yuuri woke up in his own bed, in Hasetsu.

He couldn’t believe it. He was back in Japan, let alone Hasetsu. He sat up in his bed in a daze. He tried to walk, but he fell to the ground, his head pounding.

Hearing the thud, someone rushed to his room. The blob helped Yuuri walk to the kitchen where his mother was cooking. Yuuri rubbed his eyes, and put his glasses on. The blob turned out to be Yuuko.

“Yuuko? What are we doing back in Hasetsu?” Yuuri asked with a slur.

“You blacked out again for a few days. They said it was ok to take you home. We wanted to make you as comfortable as possible, so we took you here.” She replied with a nonchalant attitude.

“What about Yurio? And V- “Yuuri stopped.

“Ah, its ok. He went away for a LONG time. If you want to hear the details, you can ask your mom, but all you have to know is that he won’t bother you anymore.” She said.

‘Do-does this mean t-that Viktor hates me now?’ Yuuri thought. He started to cry.

Yuuko started to panic, not knowing how to handle it. She brought in Yuuri’s sister, who stroked his head and calmed him down.

He couldn’t stand the thought of Viktor hating him, but he was glad that he was gone. He was feeling so conflicted inside, and he didn’t know how to control it. One minute, he wanted to jump for joy, but another, he wanted to claw his arms to the point of bloodshed.

Yuuri decided to visit Viktor in jail and clarify everything, even if he wasn’t ready. He needed to know. He wanted to know. He craved to know.

And so, they went.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end of my hiatus. I'll start posting weekly now. Tell me if I'm doing something wrong, or if you want me to change something. I probably can


	14. Visits aren't always the best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha I'm sorry

Yuuri was gathering his things, and he was ready to visit Viktor. He was ready to clear any misunderstandings, and confusion, any haze. He was ready to know the truth.

-At Jail-

Viktor sat in the booth, waiting. They had told him he had a visitor. Who could the visitor be? It couldn’t possibly be Yuuri, no. Yuuri surely hated him by now. Yuuri wouldn’t visit him. He was entirely sure that Yuuri would rather him rot in jail.

“Viktor.”

Viktor’s head shot up. He looked on the other side of the glass.

It was him.

The one and only person who understood him.

The one and only person who loved him.

The one person who he had broken.

The person he loved was broken and he couldn’t be repaired, all because of him.

Viktor’s eyes welled with tears, and he started to sob.

“Yuuri. Yuuri, I-I’m so so-sorry. I- I’m not right in the head. That’s what they told me. I want to be better for you. I-I’m so sorry.” He started to say.

“Viktor. I don’t want to hear it. Come see me when you’re better, but right now. I have a few questions for you.” Yuuri said calmly, but Viktor could tell that it too every fiber in Yuuri’s body to stay calm.

Viktor processed what Yuuri said, and he gasped in hope. Yuuri had said, “see me when you’re better.”

That meant he could see him again.

Have a happy relationship.

Just the two of them.

Yuuri started with his questions, ignoring Viktor’s sobbing.

“Ok, question one. Do you hate me?”

“Wh-what? No, Yuuri. I-it’s the opposite! I love you, and I always have.”

“Then, why?”

“Why what?”

Yuuri had lost it. The final straw had snapped just like a strand of pasta under pressure.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY WHAT? WHY DID YOU DO THESE THINGS TO ME WHEN YOU LOVE ME? I THOUGHT RELATIONSHIPS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY! YOU WERE MY FIRST RELATIONSHIP, AND YOU TURNED IT INTO A SCARRING EXPERIENCE! I CAN BARELY GET CLOSE TO OTHER PEOPLE NOW!” Yuuri raged on.

Viktor bowed his head in shame, knowing that every single ugly word coming from Yuuri’s mouth was true. He didn’t want to be like this. He didn’t want this.

He just wanted Yuuri to be happy.

He wanted to be happy with Yuuri.

But Viktor’s definition of happy and Yuuri’s definition of happy were COMPLETELY different.

Yuuri was still raging on, the jail guards trying to calm him down. When they tried to touch him, he flinched away and cowered, saying “Please don’t touch me!” or “Don’t hurt me like he did!”

The guards understood immediately and moved the two to a different room.

In the separate room, the two men were face to face. They were merely inches away, but there was a piece of glass separating them.

The questioning continued, full of tears, yelling, and shame.

By the end of Yuuri’s time, he was shivering in tears, and sobbing.

Then, Yurio came in.

Yurio wanted time to talk to Viktor himself, to know the WHOLE truth.

As Yuuri was escorted out of the room, Yurio took a seat.

Viktor’s tears halted to a stop, and a blank look glazed over his face.

“Oi, Viktor. I know you told me some stuff, but I know it wasn’t everything. Tell me everything. And I mean e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.” Yurio spat out. He wasn’t going to be kind and gentle to the man who corrupted a world-beloved skater.

“Hah, what do you care? What are you going to do, kill me? That’s all that knowledge does, triggers anger and hate. Knowledge is dangerous, but, ah, I guess it won’t fit into that small childish brain of yours anyway.” Viktor shot right back at Yurio. This was the kid that got him busted, ruined his relationship with Yuuri, and got him hated.

Yurio was enraged. He was up against the glass, huffing under his breath, “If it weren’t for this glass, you’d be on the floor, Nikiforov.”

Viktor shot him a disgusted look.

But,

He knew he had to tell him.

He knew he had to spill everything eventually.

He hated to admit it, but Yurio was in the right this time.

“I’ll tell you, but you have to tell me what you’re going to do with the knowledge. I have to know what’s going to happen, if anything at all.” Viktor spat with a defeated tone.

“It’s just for me and Yuuri’s family to know, nothing else.” Yurio gave a small white lie. He was actually going to tell everyone; expose him for what he did. Make him even more hated and possibly get him killed. He wanted Viktor Nikiforov, 5 time GPF winner, dead.

That was his main priority right now, to kill the one who corrupted his role mod- FRIEND. HIS FRIEND…

As the time passed, and Viktor talked, Yurio became more and more infuriated. He was secretly holding a recording device in his hands under the table, and was recording everything. After Viktor stopped talking, Yurio was beyond enraged. He kept his calm, although by a thread, and started out the door. Before he left, he looked back at Viktor, and waved the recording device in the air, signaling that he had recorded everything. Viktor’s face dropped in despair, and he took a moment before bursting out, screaming. The guards had to drag him away, while Yurio walked out. He felt like a hero and a badass at the same time.

Back at the Katsuki household, everyone was anxious for Yuuri and Yurio’s return. When they heard a knock on the door, they were surprised to see only Yuuri standing in the doorway, with the recording device in his hands and a blank, worried look on his face.

He dropped to his knees, sobbing while his parents took the device and started to listen to it.

Yuuri wasn’t sobbing on the floor because of Viktor.

He was sobbing because of Yurio.

Something had happened.

And he was terrified.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BOOM CLIFFHANGER


	15. Hospitals are My Number One Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yurio finds hinself in the hospital, but not for himself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a little early because I'll be in Paris for my Spring Break (HMU if you're in France haha) and my flight is at night. Thought y'all would like some angst and a cliffhanger to start the break

Yurio sat at the hospital, crying. He was beside a small bed, holding someone’s hand. It was nearly 1:00 in the morning, but the crying would not cease.

His grandfather had been shot in the head, and was barely alive after the surgery.

Yurio didn’t know how it was done, or who did it, but his heart was filled with the utmost sorrow and sadness.

His grandfather was in a coma, and he couldn’t do anything to help him. Yurio’s grandfather was his only sense of home, his only sense of a fatherly figure. His parents had died a few years prior, and his grandfather was the only one he had left.

He did feel a tinge of guilt for leaving Yuuri when he was told his grandfather was in the hospital, but the amount of fear and worry in his heart at the moment trumped his worry for Yuuri.

Yurio had to protest when he was told to leave the hospital, for visiting hours were over, and he wanted to scream and yell, but his voice wouldn’t come out.

He returned to the Katsuki household, tears in his eyes and worry in his heart.

Once he got there, he was smothered with a hug from Yuuri’s family. They were all crying, holding in the news that he absolutely could not know.

Yurio was too upset to push them off, and just accepted it. He looked towards Yuuri, who was on the couch, and he called for him. Yurio walked towards his caller and he sat on the couch with him. They looked at each other, as if they were communicating through thoughts, and they both started to cry. At first it was silent, just tears streaming down their faces, but in a moment they were hugging and crying together.

“Yurio, listen to me.” Yuuri pulled away from the hug, his hands of Yurio’s shoulders. He looked straight into Yurio’s soldier like eyes.

“I have to tell you something, but only if you’re ready for it.” Yuuri said in a completely serious tone. Yurio was astonished at how fast he stopped crying, but seeing as it was a serious moment, he let it go.

“Y-yes? What is it?” Yurio stammered.

“We… we know who shot your grandfather.” Yuuri finally said after what seemed like forever.

“W-what?” Yurio was shocked. He needed a moment to process the information that came out of Yuuri’s mouth. After the weight of the words dawned on him, he shot up and looked at Yuuri.

“WHO?! WHO DID THIS?!” Yurio was outraged in sadness and in hopes of killing the one who did this.

“It was Viktor’s comrade. He was one of the men that he brought home to… do things… to me.” Yuuri said, voice shaking at the remembrance of his face.

Yurio sunk to the floor in tears and in rage. He didn’t know whether to be sad or angry, so he was both.

“Apparently, Viktor called his friend when he was in jail and they set it up. Your grandfather was in his house and he was shot through the window. The killer is nowhere to be found, and your grandfather is in the hospital. That’s all we know, for that’s all the police told us so far. I’m so sorry for this… Yurio? Are you listening?”

Yurio started to sway. He felt woozy and black spots appeared in his eyes. He couldn’t believe the information coming out of Yuuri’s mouth.

“Yurio! Oi!” Yuuri yelled.

Yuuri caught him before he hit the ground. Of course he fainted, this was expected. Yurio had his grandfather and only his grandfather. If he had died, then he wouldn’t know what to do. Yuuri said a quick prayer for Yurio’s grandfather and carried Yurio to a bed where he could rest peacefully.

“Don’t worry. He’ll be just fine ok?” Yuuri whispered caringly.

But little did he know that a certain hospital would be up all night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BOOM HEADSHOT


	16. Things Happen, Time Goes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I suck at summaries so bleg

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huehue early yet again *high fives myself*

Yurio sprang up in bed, clutching his heart and sweating. He put his hands to his face and it was wet. Was he… crying?

He looked down, confused, but then it all rushed back to him. He cried harder.

Yuuri walked in the room, food in hand. He quickly set the food down and pulled Yurio into an embrace.

How would Yuuri tell him? How could he tell him that the once source of his happiness was gone? Yurio’s grandfather had died in the night at approximately 4:38 A.M.

Yuuri cried at the thought of revealing the news to Yurio. They were both a crying, sobbing mess, just like they were yesterday.

Yuuri didn’t want to tell Yurio. He didn’t even want to think about it near Yurio. This boy was already so torn up about the fact that his grandfather was shot, he couldn’t think about him possibly dying…

He knew that he had to tell him eventually, and although it would be painful, he wanted to tell him as soon as possible so there was no confusion.

“Y-Yuuri. Can I have some water? My throat is dry.” Yurio sputtered out.

Yuuri passed him a glass of water. He watched as Yurio downed the tall glass, one small sip at a time. It was almost as if swallowing the water meant that there was bad news coming, and he was trying to prevent it. He downed it all anyway, and when he was done, he saw Yuuri looking at him with sad, somber eyes.

Yuuri had to tell him. It was now or never.

Tell Him.

“Yurio…”

Tell Him.  
“I have to say something…”

TELL HIM.

“Y-Your…”

COME ON, TELL HIM!

“…randfather…di-die…hospital…night time… Oh geez…”

WHY CAN’T YOU TELL HIM?!

DO IT!

COME ON!

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!

TELL HIM!

DO IT!!

“I-I can’t…breathe…” Yuuri stammered.

Yurio tried to reassure him that he was safe, but to no avail.

“Yurio. Yo-your grandfather… He… He’s d-d-dead…” Yuuri had managed to say in a shaky, broken voice.

Yurio’s face turned as white as a sheet.

“W-what? Grandpa is…is dead?” Yurio repeated to himself.

Yuuri expected him to cry, but he didn’t. Yurio was just shocked. Shocked and hurt that his only lifeline that was keeping him from going mad was gone. The only thing connecting him to family was gone.

He was gone.

Gone.

Gone.

GONE.

GONE!

Yuuri watched as it almost happened in slow motion.

Yurio swayed to the left, then to the right. He tried to catch his balance on the table, but instead missed, and hit his head on the corner of the table. He was knocked out, and bleeding all over the floor.

“YURI!” Yuuri cried out, calling the skater by his actual name. He was in a dire situation, now that he was bleeding profusely.

Someone outside heard the commotion and called an ambulance.

Yuuri’s vision was all blue and red flashes after that. He couldn’t handle this much stress. The flashes died down, but his vision got replaced with black spots and fuzzy objects instead.

Yuuri smiled at the paramedics, said “Take care of him for me, please.” And ran out of the room, not stopping for anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *evil laughter*


	17. Submit to The Darkness Inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poor Yurio

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry for the short chapter, and I'm sorry for the hardcore angst that this will produce haha. I have a small bit of writers block right now, so be warned of the chapter next week is a day or two late owo I'm sorry

Yurio awoke in the hospital yet again, but not for his grandfather. His head was pounding and his vision was nonexistent.

He instantly started to panic. Why were the lights off, even when his eyes were open? Was it night time? Was he in a dark room?

Why couldn’t he see?

The sound of rustling ad doors opening filled the silent room.

“Who’s there!?” Yurio yelled in fear.

“My name is Doctor Haniwaka, and I’ll be your doctor for the remainder of your stay. Yuri Plisetsky, was it? We have good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first?” Yuri heard a small, sweet voice. He could only describe it as small and sweet, even though it belonged to a man.

“Cut the bullshit, doctor! I don’t care about news, just tell me why I can’t see!” Yurio spat.

“I’m afraid that’s the bad news, Mr. Plisetsky. When you fell, you hit your occipital lobe, which is the part of your brain that controls vision. The hit was so hard that it fractured skull, damaged brain tissue, and required 18 stitches. Your vision loss may or may not be permanent, but we will never know. The good news is that you have visitors.”

The sweet voice suddenly didn’t sound so sweet. To Yurio, it morphed into a disgusting voice, equally disgusting words spilling out of their mouth like vomit. He didn’t want to hear this information, let alone process it and pretend everything was ok. He was beyond furious that he lost his vision.

But then he realized.

He didn’t have grandpa anymore.

He didn’t have a reason to see, or to hear.

Grandpa was his motivation, his agape. The beautiful unconditional love given by the closest of family.

Without his eyes, and without grandpa, his life was worthless. He didn’t have many friends, just acquaintances, and his skating career would surely fail due to his sight.

He didn’t know anymore. He just didn’t know what else to do except cry.

Cry his lung out until they hurt, and let all his bottled emotions flow out slowly. His sobs were wretched ones at that; he sounded like he was in excruciating pain, and he was.

Yurio felt pathetic for just crying like that stupid pig did, but he couldn’t help himself. He was just so sad.

-at the Katsuki household-

“Mom… Yuuri still isn’t back yet. I can’t find him anywhere, and im scared. What if he actually decided to kill himself tonight? After all of this, it wouldn’t be surprising with his mental state,” Yuuri’s older sister worriedly complained to her mother.

Her baby brother was in trouble, of course she was worried.

-later-

Yurio hated this.

Having someone completely new accompany you everywhere was extremely annoying. It felt like having a guide dog, but it was a person, who asked “are you ok?” every 5 minutes.

He has had

ENOUGH.

“OK. I am going to say this ONCE. Get. Out. Of. My. Way. I don’t need some guard following me everywhere, I can do shit by myself. Now get lost.” Yurio practically spat at the nurse.

The nurse, being a fledgling, feared Yurio and complied.

Finally,   
…  
Silence.

Yurio feels his way to the bathroom, and takes his hands around every crevice, searching for something, at least a small sharp thing.

When his hands fell upon a shaving razor, he squealed from his finger being cut, but also because he found his escape.

His paradise was a swipe away.

He took the blade, said goodbye, and swiped the blade against his throat, causing a gurgling scream.

He lays down on the cold hard floor, and leaves himself to rot.

I deserve this he thinks.

Yurio hears someone burst into his hospital room, calling his name. the voice was familiar, and he liked his voice. ‘He must be here to save me.’

But…

Oh well.

Too late.

And the small boy submits to the dark oblivion that waited for him ever since Viktor had gone to jail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BOOM MORE ANGST (sorry)


	18. The only method

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Only Method is end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry but this chapter is late and short

Yuuri ran.

He ran and he kept on running until he reached the train station. He hopped on the train that pulled into the station, and just kept going.

Going

And going

Until he reached the train station near the city.

He didn’t know where he was, and he didn’t want to know. He just started to run again. People gave him strange looks and whispers were thrown around. Yuuri didn’t care, though.

All he cared about at the moment was getting on top of the tallest building.

 

~back at the hospital~

 

Nurses flooded the room.

“I need a gurney, quickly!”

“We need 2500ccs of O- blood, stat!”

“Get him to the operation room!”

“Do we have consent?”

“He doesn’t have any guardians at the moment. I will take responsibility for the operation, so quickly, get him in there!”

Doctors strapped the barely holding on boy into the gurney and wheeled him into the operating room. Another nurse had to hold back a screaming, crying male, who reached out to Yurio before they left.

They started the operation, and Yurio barely survived through it. Going through a blood transfusion overwhelmed his body and overloaded his systems, so the doctors had bad news.

“He is alive, yes, but he has slipped into a coma due to the prolonged lack of oxygen and extreme blood loss. He is barely surviving, and he needs assistance breathing, so he is not very stable at the moment. You can visit him if you like, but he won’t be able to hear or see you. He might not awaken, so I suggest you see him now rather than later.”

The doctor laid the cold, harsh truth upon the male, still in tears.

The muscular Kazakh teen was overwhelmed by his emotions when he saw the lifeless body, that he almost ran out of the room.

But he had to be strong.

Strong for Yura.

 

~back with Yuuri~

 

After his trip to the store, he went to the tallest building in sight, and went up to the highest floor possible. Turns out the building was a hotel, and he claimed he was “visiting”.

As he ascended to the top, he pondered his decision. Would he regret it? What would the other say?

He chuckled to himself.

“What others? I don’t have anyone. Yurio is in the hospital, Viktor is in jail, and mom thinks I’m insane. What have I got to lose?”

He reached the top floor, and he went onto the roof. The plastic bag from the store still in his hand, he stood on the ledge of the building. He came back down and he pulled out a notebook, a pencil, rope, a sandwich, and some tea from the bag. He ate the sandwich, drank the tea, and tied the rope into a noose.

With the notebook and pencil, he began to write.

Write his story. His pains, his joys, his experiences, and his life lessons.

The writing took about 2 hours to complete, and by the time he was done, the notebook was all used up. Writing his name in all bold letters, he set the notebook down next to his shoes, and stepped up on the ledge.

Wrapping the noose around the air vents and connecting it to his neck, he was certain; the asphyxiation would kill him.

Taking a look back at the city, he smiled, knowing that he’d die with a happy heart.

And he jumped, not even taking a second thought.

And when he heard the snap of his neck, he knew it was all over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHH IM SORRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY


	19. Curdling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning short chapter :(((  
> Sorry I have writers block and a lack of motivation •~•   
> Comment something you think would motivate me pls

Yurio awoke to the sound of soft snores. They sounded tired, but still soft enough not to disturb anything.

He blinked his eyes, and everything was still cloudy. He still couldn’t see, and he was still blind.

His stirring awoke the person on his lap, and suddenly he heard crying,

“Yura, thank God you are ok!” the voice cried.

‘Yura? Is- Is this… Beka?’ Yurio thought.

The voice left the room yelling “He’s awake!”, leaving Yurio alone with his thoughts.

When all the memories of what he had done rushed back to him, the tears beaded up at his clouded eyes, and they rolled down his face as he sobbed quietly.

Footsteps rushed into the room as they checked his vitals and his heart rate. He was deemed stable in his physical condition, but…

“I’m afraid we have to send him to a foster home for boys until he can find a family, or the court finds a family member willing to take him.” He heard a voice say across the room.

He started to cry harder as he thought of the loneliness he was captured in; the slow, aching burn of abandonment dawning on him like a truck.

His head started swimming, and his heart rate started to rise at a quick pace. His breathing became rough and fitful as the tears kept rolling down his face.

“Nu… chec…. itals…. gonn…oka…. ura!” Yurio heard voices around him speak, but they were all merged together. The burning tightness in his chest continued and he was on the verge of passing out, but he didn’t.

As he felt a sharp prick in his arm, his breathing suddenly calmed down, and he felt ve ryy s lll eeeepp yyyyyy…

Otabek watched with extreme worry as Yurio was given a sedative. The boy’s attack had calmed down and he was asleep once again.

“Doctor, why won’t you let him live with me? Please, I beg of you, he will be happier living with me, or even the Katsuki family! If you send him to a facility, he will be even more miserable and unpredictable than he is here. I can protect him from future in- “. Otabek was cut off by the doctor’s hand.

“I’m sorry Mr. Altin, but by law, I am required to send this boy to a foster home until someone from his own family adopts him.”

“Are you crazy? Do you not understand that his parents and grandparents are dead?!” Otabek was yelling for his best friend’s sake. “His parents are only children, so he does not have any aunts or uncles! He doesn’t have any family left!”

“After a month in foster care, he will be allowed to be freely adopted by anyone. That is all I can help you with Mr. Altin.”

Otabek was fuming. He couldn’t believe he had to wait a month until he could be with his precious Yura.

He sat by Yurio’s side and awaited his awakening.

-back with the Katsuki-

Yuuri’s mom was the first to start crying. Her son was actually dead. Not in the hospital, but dead.

Her sobbing was followed by Yuuri’s father, then Mari, then the Nishigori family.

They couldn’t believe it. He was dead. Famous skater, Katsuki Yuuri was dead, by suicide nonetheless.

They wouldn’t be able to recover from this, after everything that happened.

They continued to sob after the police left. Yuuri’s mother was questioning her abilities as a mother, Yuuri’s father was grieving his only son, and Mari lost her adorable little brother. Of course they were torn, but they were all angry at one man.

Viktor Nikiforov was the name.

The doorbell rang, and Mari opened. She screamed a bloodcurdling scream as she saw who it was.

It was the man himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for readiiiing


	20. Hey guys

Hey guys. I won't be updating for a while. I just need a few weeks to recollect myself after what happened this week (won't go into detail) but please understand that I do love you guys and thank you for all your support for my story!! I just need a few weeks off, nothing big, but I need to control my feelings and get myself back where I'm supposed to be in life. 

Thank you for 5772 hits, 164 kudos, and 17 bookmarks. Means so much to me, and I love it when you guys comment! 

Love you all  
Peace  
\- Garbage_cannot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for understanding


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